Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
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Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Still a very good boi….