@causticbob

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

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@ADHDeanASL

The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua

@panmidwest

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

@CourtneyBale

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

@RandomAntics

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

@weinerdog4life

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

@johnbiehl

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

@huntigula

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

@hoedeehoe

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit