@ADHDeanASL The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
@causticbob Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
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@ADHDeanASL 
@panmidwest DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
@brunopieroni Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
@CourtneyBale Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
@RandomAntics Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
@weinerdog4life Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
@johnbiehl (McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
@huntigula “I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
@AtticusFinch79 Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
@hoedeehoe Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit