Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
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When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.