I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
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The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.