She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
You Might Also Like
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?