She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.![]()
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You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
WTF
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*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂