Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
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He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi