[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
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America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.