How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
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My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
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