Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
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If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.