Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
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Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”