My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
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Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Saturday
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?