Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
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Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
WHY?!
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.