I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

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Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks


Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.


Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.


Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.


I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.


Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.


Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.


A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.


There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen