I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
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No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree