No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
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If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Try and stop me.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin