No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
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Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Breaking news:
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately