I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
![]()
You Might Also Like
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Perfect
![]()
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.