I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
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even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had