Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
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Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
that’s really how it is
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Why am I like this?
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
who called it hell and not heaven’t
We are the people our parents warned us about.