I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
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*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Born to be mild.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?