The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
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Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.