I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
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Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
For the orator and chef in all of us
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon