when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
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Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups