[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
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Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
That’s not how days work.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.