“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
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[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
my sentiments exactly
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*