@ddsmidt I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
@kindminds_ I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
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@ddsmidt 
@N_Doemostmuted I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
@david8hughes Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
@XplodingUnicorn 5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
@PussycatPlace If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
@aimiekins You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
@DaddyJew “Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
@mrjohndarby [1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
@scarebro My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
@joeldanger When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.