I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
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Spell check is for lasers.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.