I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

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I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.


I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything


Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?


5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.


If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.


You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.


“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”


[1st date]

Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…


My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.


When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.