My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
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Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Flock of bats
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
“and how does that make you feel?”
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.