Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
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Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Ion see the issue
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa