My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
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*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.