@GlumGeorgeLucas

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

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@MomOf2Happas

If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.

@AdamDavis

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

@samalmightysam

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

@bumlaser

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

@MomOnFire

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.

@jwoodham

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

@noog

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

@zachcozad1

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.