Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
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Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Yep.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
i- i did not expect this
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me