Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
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‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.