‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
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manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it