I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
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ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
My teenage children choosing violence
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
*aggressively waits in line*
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now