Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
You Might Also Like
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.