God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
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I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.