me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
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Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want