Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
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I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
yeet
thank god
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
japanese corn
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂