Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
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I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
not to brag, but mine was free
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”