How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
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If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.