By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
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Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Meeeee too!
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.