Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
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13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
THIS HEADLINE
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
just having fun
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.