ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
You Might Also Like
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.