The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
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I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Trying
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.