If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
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*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
whenever i wake up before my alarm
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
what does he know…
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.