I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
You Might Also Like
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
peep davidson
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Yes
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?