Yes
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I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
when you are just born a rebel
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.