Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
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Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
worst…sale…ever
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help