*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
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If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too