me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
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not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
dream blunt rotation
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.