My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
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Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Buck naked
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline