My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
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My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.