Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

*loses you in a crowd*

finally

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.