Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
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Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
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BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?![]()
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.