Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
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me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
