Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
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Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
The news
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this