‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
You Might Also Like
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring