Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
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Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
translated into Canadian
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
🖤✌🏽
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier